Be forewarned that this post is a little scattered and disconnected and written at two separate times throughout the day. This is how my mind is right now, all mixed up.
9:00am~ So, it is Sunday morning and it is quiet. Yesterday was quiet too. I have so much time on my hands when I should have a three-month-old baby being noisy and keeping me busy. I feel so restless, like my body has prepared to be busy, but I have nothing to do. I feel like I have so much cooped up energy, but no way to expel it. I want to blog (which I am), but I don’t feel like I have words right now. I want to paint, but I can’t think of what to paint or how to express what is inside of me. I just feel empty. Not without emotion, but I have nothing in me to move, to write, to paint, to be. I want to go back to how I was in the early days when I didn’t get off of my couch, but I feel too guilty doing that. Like, I have come further then that and it’s not okay to go backwards. Plus, when I am doing that again I feel too restless. I am constantly checking my email and facebook and blogs to see if anyone is saying anything. Seeing if I have a chance to connect with anyone who understands, anyone who cares. I feel so needy, but nothing fills my need. I don’t know if that even makes sense. I just know that the only time I feel somewhat at peace is when I am connecting to other babylost moms which is why I am obsessed with my facebook forum and with blogs. My husband gets jealous of my computer and feels neglected, but this computer is my lifeline. I can’t imagine not being on it or close to it.
On a different note, I recently had an interesting experience. I was at the gym and across the street was a little baby boy, less then one year old. Previously, I would have become really upset and jealous. Thinking why me, why my baby, everyone else gets their babies. Then it hit me, that is a good thing. I am still jealous, I am still why me, but it gave me hope for the future. I had forgotten that it is more likely that babies survive. But, when I started thinking about it there are soo soo many babies around me, so many “real life” friends, coworkers, and acquaintances having babies and only a few have stories like mine (three exact including myself). Those odds are good, although they bring me little comfort since I have experienced the wrong side of statistics/odds. But, that little comfort is better than no comfort or hope at all.
On another completely different note, I am going to the lake in two weeks with some friends. Now, it should be sunny/hot, bathing suit weather. This means that these friends are going to see my body, the body of a mother. I still have the dark line down my tummy, stretch marks, and quite a big belly button. I am proud of my body, I am a mother and this is a mother's body, but I am nervous about how other's will react. I doubt they will say anything and I don't know if I like that either. My body I feel like is one of the only physical things I have that proves I am a mother. So, part of me wants to show it off, but the other part is nervous that it will make them uncomfortable because it is a reminder of what happened. I am a mother whose baby has died. I feel like my body screams that.
2:00pm~ So because I was feeling restless and shitty, I decided to go do some retail therapy. Now, this isn't really my nature. I don't like to really spend money and I usually feel guilty afterwards, but today I though screw it. And, off I went to Target. I know, I know, this was a total set-up. Once entering the store, I quickly realized I was in newborn baby hell! However, I pursued and continued to shop. Three pairs of shoes, cardigan, and a picture frame later I couldn't take anymore, but I had several stops I still needed to make. One of which was Beverages and More. My friend bought me a gift card for my baby shower which was intended to be used to purchase celebratory champagne. That didn't happen so I thought today I will use it and go buy some beer, surely BevMo will be baby free. Wrong, a man strolled in his newborn right before I walked in. AAhh! I bought my stuff and was out of there. Last stop Trader Joe's. Well, I kid you not a woman and her newborn baby boy walked into the store at the same time as me. Okay, I thought I will go one way she will go the other. Nope, I swear she was following me. Granted, TJ's isn't that big of a store, but come on. She even checked out at the same time as me. I did my best to fight back my tears and be quick. I checked out, got in my car as fast as I could, and booked it out of there. As soon as I was out of the parking lot, I lost it. I scream, I cry, I punch my steering wheel, "I WANT MY BABY!" "WHY, WHY, WHY!" "Why was he taken away from me?"
Now, I am home and exhausted. And, also frustrated. I swear my life is constant contradictions. Just this morning I started this post about two things, feeling hopeful when I see new babies and being proud of my mama body. Well, clothes shopping sort of sucked which is why I ended up with three pairs of shoes. Pants and shirts just don't fit me the same anymore. And, I was surrounded by new babies and didn't feel hopeful. I felt awful and ended up having a meltdown.
I can hardly trust any of my thoughts or feelings anymore because so quickly do they prove to be wrong. Well, maybe not wrong, but they always seem to contradict each other. You would think I was used to it by now, but it always surprises me.
Today, I should have stayed on the couch like I wanted to. That is where I will stay for the rest of the day.
On another completely different note, I am going to the lake in two weeks with some friends. Now, it should be sunny/hot, bathing suit weather. This means that these friends are going to see my body, the body of a mother. I still have the dark line down my tummy, stretch marks, and quite a big belly button. I am proud of my body, I am a mother and this is a mother's body, but I am nervous about how other's will react. I doubt they will say anything and I don't know if I like that either. My body I feel like is one of the only physical things I have that proves I am a mother. So, part of me wants to show it off, but the other part is nervous that it will make them uncomfortable because it is a reminder of what happened. I am a mother whose baby has died. I feel like my body screams that.
2:00pm~ So because I was feeling restless and shitty, I decided to go do some retail therapy. Now, this isn't really my nature. I don't like to really spend money and I usually feel guilty afterwards, but today I though screw it. And, off I went to Target. I know, I know, this was a total set-up. Once entering the store, I quickly realized I was in newborn baby hell! However, I pursued and continued to shop. Three pairs of shoes, cardigan, and a picture frame later I couldn't take anymore, but I had several stops I still needed to make. One of which was Beverages and More. My friend bought me a gift card for my baby shower which was intended to be used to purchase celebratory champagne. That didn't happen so I thought today I will use it and go buy some beer, surely BevMo will be baby free. Wrong, a man strolled in his newborn right before I walked in. AAhh! I bought my stuff and was out of there. Last stop Trader Joe's. Well, I kid you not a woman and her newborn baby boy walked into the store at the same time as me. Okay, I thought I will go one way she will go the other. Nope, I swear she was following me. Granted, TJ's isn't that big of a store, but come on. She even checked out at the same time as me. I did my best to fight back my tears and be quick. I checked out, got in my car as fast as I could, and booked it out of there. As soon as I was out of the parking lot, I lost it. I scream, I cry, I punch my steering wheel, "I WANT MY BABY!" "WHY, WHY, WHY!" "Why was he taken away from me?"
Now, I am home and exhausted. And, also frustrated. I swear my life is constant contradictions. Just this morning I started this post about two things, feeling hopeful when I see new babies and being proud of my mama body. Well, clothes shopping sort of sucked which is why I ended up with three pairs of shoes. Pants and shirts just don't fit me the same anymore. And, I was surrounded by new babies and didn't feel hopeful. I felt awful and ended up having a meltdown.
I can hardly trust any of my thoughts or feelings anymore because so quickly do they prove to be wrong. Well, maybe not wrong, but they always seem to contradict each other. You would think I was used to it by now, but it always surprises me.
Today, I should have stayed on the couch like I wanted to. That is where I will stay for the rest of the day.
All I want to say, is if you read the very early posts on my blog (I started blogging at about three months out) you will read SO many of the same thoughts. In fact, these could be my exact thoughts.
ReplyDeleteJust another way of saying, you are not alone.
xo
Oh, I know just what you mean about your computer being a lifeline- mine is too. I get anxious when I log-in and have no new blog posts to read bc it means it's just me who is looking for them (at least, it seems that way).
ReplyDeleteAny you're right, far more babies live than those who die. This should be comforting....
I totally get what you mean about your body. I remember wanting a sign that said, this body should have a baby. I am proud of my body, too, but when you don't have your baby to cart around, you don't have that badge to show you have earned the scars.
ReplyDeleteMy husband felt the same way about the computer at one point. He had trouble understanding how bad I needed it.
Take care.
Shaina, I feel just how you do. I had a similar time at the grocery store yesterday--newborns everywhere. Ugh! Am sending prayers and happy vibes your way.
ReplyDeleteI feel like my life is one being contradiction also. It sucks to know we are on the wrong side of statistics-why us? Blogging and meeting other blm's has definitely helped to know I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteShaina I just lost my full term son May 25th. He was my first baby. I cannot share or explain or scream or do so many things I feel like doing because I don't want to make people around me uncomfortable. Even when they say all the right things about being there if I need, or it being ok to cry etc etc. I found your blog today and thank you. Your story is so damn close to mine. It helps to have found your place here. Thank you for being brave enough to share and to continue to share. I know in theory things will get better/easier but it doesn't help on days like today. Finding your story does help on days like today. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous~ I am glad you have found my blog too. You are so early in your grief. Please, please feel free to email me if you want to talk, rant, cry, ask questions, anything.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you lost your firstborn.
Shaina
Shaina, it seems obvious to me why you would have those "contradicting" feelings when seeing the babies. The first "okay" feeling you had was when you saw ONE baby, from the gym across the street, where you could safely process from a distance the positive, hopeful side of seeing a little one. It was a "baby step", so to speak, which is how changes happen in grief. But then so quickly afterwards you were bombarded with newborns wherever you went--some practically chasing you--and that was too much too fast to be able to retain the new budding sensation you'd just had. Don't minimize what you experienced then--that you were able to see a baby with a new sense of appreciation is very real, and will come again (once you recover from the rest of the bizarre stalking baby weekend, that is :)
ReplyDelete