Friday, July 8, 2011

4 months

Today my precious little boy would have been four months old and I should be celebrating.  Instead I am wallowing in self-pity and sadness because my coworker is giving birth as we speak.  She will birth a healthy baby girl 4 months to the day that my precious son died.  I should be more happy for her and I am happy, but mostly I am just sad and angry for me.  It seems like everyone gets to take home healthy, happy babies, but me.  Why me?  Why didn't I get to take home my son?  What sort of sick joke or cruel punishment is this?  I don't deserve this.  I deserve my son.  I would have been a good mom.  I loved him so much.  And, still I lost him only minutes before he was in my arms.  It's not fair.  It's just not fair.  I know we blm's say that all the time, but it is the truth.  It's not fair, it doesn't make sense, there is no reason.  It can happen to anyone, but it happened to me.  How am I supposed to move on?  How am I supposed to live?  I feel so lost?   I feel so hopeless.  I want to just crawl into a ball on my sofa and disappear.

Monday, July 4, 2011


I truly hate my life.  I hate that my son isn't here.  I hate that I can't enjoy the sames things that I enjoyed just a year ago: the fair, 4th of July parades, people.  Today, my husband is in the Novato parade.  I initially wanted to go and see him in it.  Last year, I had so much fun, but this year I know I am going to be surrounded by new moms and little babies.  We went to the fair on Saturday and I was totally unprepared for all the babies.  They were everywhere (of course if was the fair).  I hate that everywhere I turn I am reminded that I have lost the most precious thing I ever had (just briefly had).  My son should be almost four months old.  I should have brought him to the fair with me and showed him all the animals and had him listen to the reggae show, mommy's favorite type of music.  I should be putting little ear muffs on him tonight and bringing him to the fireworks show.  I should have my son. But, I don't.  Why?  Why don't I get my son?  It's not fair.  I am SO sick of everyone else getting to take home their precious little babies, of course I would never want it to be otherwise, but I want my baby too.  I love him so much and it hurts so bad!!!!  My coworker is going on maternity leave at the end of this week and I keep hearing people ooh and aah over her and her little one that will be here soon and then almost in the same breath come over to me and talk to me about some stupid thing as if my heart hadn't just been crushed by having to hear their interaction about her baby. 

Life just sucks right now....