Well, I have been swirling in the aftermath of New Year's Day when we spread Silas's ashes in the ocean. It is crazy how the grief can creep up and bowl you over so intensely. I had to leave work on Monday and I spent all night last night in tears. I even cancelled my birthday party for Friday because the thought of "pretending happy" is just too much for me. I still think what we did on Sunday and how we did it was perfect, but I hate that we had to do it at all. I hate that my son is not here. I keep hearing "how was your New Years?" and it is such a stab in the chest. I'm not about to tell people I spent it letting go of my babies cremations and so they assume I did the party/hangover weekend thing. So wrong. It's been nine months and sometimes the pain hurts like it did 6 months ago.
Plus, I am now eight months pregnant and finally hit the point where I feel really done being pregnant. I have been pregnant for a year and a half straight and I am tired. I am tired of all the usual pregnancy ailments and I just want my little girl here. I want it to be February already and to know that she is alive and safe in this world. I think part of what has hit me so hard is the fear that I might lose her too and I can't even bear the thought. I won't survive another loss. I hate that even have to think that way. I hate that I can't be joyful and excited and confident that this pregnancy is going to end in a happy, healthy, alive baby. I hate that I can't enjoy my birthday or the holidays. I hate that this little girl is a result of the death of my little boy. I want both my babies. I hate that I feel so alone in this and that no one in my IRL can truly understand because they haven't experienced it. I want to be "normal" again. I want my life back a year ago. I want my son! And, I want my daughter here safe and alive in my arms. I want assurance that she will be okay and I won't have to suffer another loss now or in the future. I want to know that she will grow up and grow old, out live me.
uuugghhhh…why does life have to be so hard?
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Nate and I decided to spend New Years Day to spread Silas's ashes in the ocean at North Beach in Pt. Reyes. We chose this beach because it is where we went when I was 40 weeks pregnant with him and have very fond memories of that day. On that day, Nate thought up a song and laid on my lap and sang it to him. He collected beautiful quartz crystal from the beach that we still have with us, we saw a coyote, and this beach is just beautiful, serene, and quiet. We spent that day dreaming of bringing him back once he was born.
Unfortunately, that didn't happen to be the case, but today we did bring him back. We chose today, the beginning of the New Year to represent letting go and releasing his physical being and some of our sorrow and grief and focus now on connecting with his spirit, which is always with us, and the joy of having had him in our life and knowing he will always remain in our heart. Today, ended up being his memorial. I don't think we intended it to feel that way, but it became that and it was beautiful. It was just Nate and I. We brought his cremations, flowers, paper to write him letters, and a poem to read. It was absolutely beautiful at the beach, clear sunny skies, beautiful blue ocean with big waves. We walked a ways out on the beach and found a place close to where we sat last time we were there. We placed Silas's urn and flowers in the sand and wrote him messages, talked to him, watched the waves, and cried together. We then shared our messages with each other and placed them in the urn with some petals from the flowers, a quartz crystal from the beach, and some sand. We walked down to the water, I read a poem and Nate threw the urn, which opened in mid-air, into the ocean. It was an incredibly hard thing to do, to let that little tangible bit of him go, but it also felt so right.
I have been stressing for many months about planning a memorial and who we would invite and needing it to be perfect. But, today happened naturally, organically and it couldn't have unfolded any better. It was perfect and beautiful. I am so glad that it was just Nate and I and we honored our son so sweetly by releasing his ashes into the ocean, the place we hold so close to our heart just as we hold him, our son, so close to our heart. We spent the whole pregnancy with him at the beach every weekend and dreaming of him falling in love with the ocean just as we had so many years ago and releasing him into the ocean today was perfect. We brought home a piece of wood Nate found that we sat on while we wrote our messages and we will turn it into a bench for our backyard and we collected another piece of quartz crystal that will be set next to the one we collected the last time we went. We left the beach feeling a great sense of peace.
Nate and I then went to our favorite, special restaurant in Pt. Reyes and had a excellent lunch outside in the sun. It has been a wonderful (hard, sad) beautiful day.
Here are a few pictures of our memorial.
This piece of board Nate found on the beach and we have brought it home to make a bench out of for our backyard.
Here is the poem that I read:
While Waiting For Thee by Sharon A. Bryington
Don't weep at my grave
For I am not there,
I've a date with a butterfly
To dance on the air.
If I'm missed, find a flower,
I'll be there too,
Sniffing it's fragrance
Right next to you.
Don't be sad
When you remember me,
For I'm singing in the sunshine,
Wild and free,
Flirting with the lightning,
Playing tag with the wind,
Chasing the thunder
Time and again,
Soaring with the eagle,
Swimming in the sea,
Enjoying all of nature
While I'm waiting for thee.