Wait, wait…what is this I see? Could it be a small break in the clouds? I think I have seen a glimpse of the hope I have been searching for.
Something has shifted over this holiday weekend. For the first time in 8 ½ months, I have seen a glimpse of the person I once was. I know that I will never be the same, but a spark of life came back into my soul over this weekend. I don’t know why or how, but it did. I am noticing it in the little things. For example, for months I was dreading the holiday season and didn’t want to spend it with family because I was afraid it would be too painful of a reminder of the family member, my son, who is missing. However, as Thanksgiving approached, I became eager to spend quality time with family. I used to love entertaining and having parties at my house, and this was the first weekend that I felt joy in that again. I was excited to set the house up, cook, make fun appetizers, take family pictures, play games, and just be with my family. And, it was a sweet day. At dinner, there were tears and many acknowledgements of Silas which felt so nice to hear from the mouths of my family.
Another thing I noticed, is I started to wear make-up again. I got all dressed up on Thanksgiving day, including make-up, but I have also been wearing make-up to go to work the last two days. I had stopped caring about how I looked, but in these past few days, I have felt good and wanted to look good as well.
Before I became pregnant with Silas, I had been a vegetarian. I stopped when I became pregnant because I was craving meat so much. However, I have decided to go back to a mostly vegetarian diet (for health reasons) and last night I experimented with a new vegetarian dish. I have never cooked with lentils before and I went to the store, bought some, and really enjoyed making a new, healthy, vegetarian meal. I feel excited again to explore new recipes and cook with ingredients I have never used before.
It feels so good to be enjoying life again. I don’t know how long it will last (I know these things come in waves, and don't get me wrong, I am still grieving and tears are quick to come), but I want to be fully present and mindful of this positive, hopeful, alive place I am in right now.
Speaking of being mindful, I have recently become very interested in studying Buddhism again and practicing meditation. I thank Silas for awakening the more spiritual side of myself and I think I have finally found something that makes sense to me. I have been doing my best to meditate almost every day for at least 15 minutes. I will slowly increase my time as my practice becomes more integrated and easier. On Sunday, I was meditating (which I do in the kids room) and out of nowhere, I had an overwhelming feeling that Silas was there with me. My lips even began to tingle as if he was giving me a little kiss. I then had this powerful urge to cradle my arms. So, I did. I cradled my arms and closed my eyes and sat with my son’s spirit. It was the most amazing experience. It is the first time in 8 ½ months that I felt like he came to me. And, I believe it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t begun my meditation practice and convinced myself to do it in that moment even though I was tired and really wanted to go to bed.
I am just feeling so grateful for my life and the people who are in it. I never thought I would feel this way again. But I am, and I want to cherish this feeling while it is here. I truly believe good things are coming, including and most especially my sweet little girl who is due to arrive in February.