Monday, June 13, 2011


The world is playing tricks on me. 

 Right now, I am stuck in the HS classroom at my work where the lesson plans is about poetry on death and dying.  I feel stupid that this is triggering me, but it is.  It is abstract poetry and nothing about babies dying, but I don’t want to spend 4 hours talking about death and pretending to be interested and engaged in the lesson when in reality all I am thinking about is my own little boy’s death. 

Yesterday, I went to get a massage and the therapist asked if I had children and I said no (without even thinking), I SAID no!  Oh the guilt.  Granted, she was asking me questions about my work and lifestyle and how it affected my body.  So, when she asked me about kids I knew she was referring to little children running around or having to lug a child on my hip, both of which I I don't.  So, in the way she meant it, the answer is no.  But still, right after the words came out of my mouth, I felt so guilty.  I swore I would never not acknowledge my son, but I did without even thinking or contemplating, it just came out of my mouth.  What kind of mother does that make me?  What kind of mother am I?  I just don’t know… 

I just can't believe this is my life.  I wish it wasn't. 


  1. I have those moments where I don't know what to respond about kids. No one has asked me, but I've filled out paperwork and I kept going back and forth about what to write. I remember telling someone random that I lost a child and I got the, "oh you can have more" response, like that helps. So I'm forever stuck about what to say. It's like you wanna acknowledge them but don't wanna go through the whole story and hear the cliches people say. And then the guilt if you don't say anything. I hear ya. I totally wish this wasn't your life or any of our lives. (((hugs)))

  2. At three years out almost, I still sit here in disbelief a lot of the time. That is one aspect of this hell that doesn't change.
    I wish your little man was here.

  3. I have had to choose when it's best to share and when it's best to keep it to myself. While I have 3 living children, I still have one who didn't live and it takes me off guard. When I first started going out and about after Isaac died, I was very down and avoided conversation. I can remember two specific times when I felt forced to say something and neither were good experiences. I quit counting the experiences after that... For me it's a coping mechanism. I'd never go out if I didn't have a way to shelter my fragile spirit. Because of infertility I have a large gap between my second and third child. When that third one came and lived, I didn't accept for a long time that he was actually mine. I remember forgetting many times that I had 3 children and responding with 2. I hope it gets easier for you (and me) with time. {{BIG HUGS}}

  4. You are a wonderful mother, you just answered the question you wanted to at the time. You knew what info she was looking for. You shouldn't feel guilty at all. There are time that I don't tell people Sofia has a disability, not because of any other reason other than I don't want to get into it with them...