Tuesday, May 31, 2011

More Time

My heart aches, it physically hurts, I am so broken hearted.  I have started thinking about the time I was able to spend with Silas.  I am not one to regret things in my life.  I tend to look back at those questionable decisions I have made or things I have done with acceptance, believing that I did the best for who I was at the time or with the knowledge that I had at the time.  However, with that being said, I very much regret having not held Silas longer.  I would give anything for just one more moment with him. 

My arms, my heart, my mind all aches to have him with me again.  I just want one more time to kiss his forehead, to bathe him, to memorize his perfect little body from head to toe.  On the day I delivered him I only held him for a few minutes.  I took the blankets off of his legs and looked and played with his precious little feet, but I didn’t see his hands or what I imagine to be his cute little tummy.  I caressed his sweet cheeks, forehead and nose, but I didn’t kiss him.  Oh the regrets, what mom doesn’t kiss her newborn baby?  And, I didn’t try and smell him.  I want to know what he smelled like.  Our doula stayed with him the whole time the doctors were trying to revive him and she said he was just perfect.  He was beautiful head to toe.  It is now in her memory, but not mine.  I am trying not to fault myself for not spending more time with him.  I was in shock.  I didn’t know that I could keep him with me for longer.  Maybe I couldn’t since he was donating his heart, I just don’t know. 

I also wish I was able to take more pictures of him.  The nurses gave me a pamphlet for NILMDTS, but they didn’t explain what it was and I didn’t look at all that they gave me until we got home.  I am an avid picture taker, it is important to me to capture events on film and make memories in that way, but I don’t have a picture of me with my baby.  I regret that.  I don’t have a picture of us as a whole family.  I regret that.  But, mostly I regret not holding him longer.  I just want one more time.  Where is my rewind button?  I know I can’t have him, but if I could just have a little more time with him.  I wish the nurses would have helped us more, guided us more, offered to take more pictures, offered to let us bathe him, offered to leave him in our room so we could spend more time with him.  I just want more time with him…


  1. I know there's nothing I can say to make this better but you did what you could at the time. I think in this kind of thing there are always regrets.

    Sending love your way.

  2. Shaina, I think it's perfectly normal under the circumstances not to realise you can hold your baby longer. You were in shock, and your reaction was perfectly normal. You held Silas close to your heart for all those months growing him, and I'm certain he knew nothing but your love for him.
    I can understand that need to go back and hold him again. I held my daughter for a long time after she died, but it still wasn't enough, and i too wish I could go back and hold her again, take more photos, smell her head, kiss her again...it's so hard sweetheart,I'm so sorry you are going through this pain.
    I read Silas' story, and the photo of him is so beautiful. He was a beautiful boy. x

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. And I am so sorry that the nurses and hospital staff weren't more direct with you and offering you more memories. Unless you've been on this side, I don't think you can ever understand how important that is. We went through something similar when our daughter passed away. I too have many regrets from that night. I wish your little guy was here with you.

  4. Shaina, I think these other comments nailed it in that immense regret has got to be inevitable when thinking back on those fleeting moments you had with your boy in your arms. There is no way you could have prepared for that, and therefore you will look back and wish you had done it differently or "better". That kind of regret must be incredibly painful and unavoidable, but you can't judge yourself as a mother for how you were "supposed" to act in those brief moments. You were overwhelmed with shock, and all you could do was hold him and gaze with disbelief. Maybe if you didn't love him so profoundly, and it wasn't so much of a big deal, you would have thought more rationally: "oh yeah, I'll want to remember doing this and that after he's taken away, so let me make an inventory of all the mother-child bonding acts I should check off". But your love, shock, and overwhelm defined those chaotic moments and I believe THAT is what, ironically, demonstrates how passionate of a mother you are.