Monday, June 6, 2011
My OB
I have a weird obsession going on with my OB that I can’t seem to make sense of or understand in my head. He was an amazing doctor throughout my whole pregnancy, very compassionate, good listener, patient, and comforting when I had concerns or worries. Recently, we have been exchanging emails over the past week about what my future looks like (trying again), whether I will see him again or choose a different doctor, whether he would be willing to do a c-section at 39weeks, and trying to figure out what happened to Silas (which we never will definitely). Anyways, I want to keep emailing him. I really don’t want to lose him as my OB even though he ultimately killed Silas and I should hate him. It feels very confusing. I don’t know why I feel so attached to him and I feel like I need to restrain myself from continuing to try and stay in contact and emailing him and spilling my guts about how I am feeling about my loss, about him, etc. I think he is just being nice when he says “keep in touch,” but I want to use that as an excuse to keep emailing him. I guess part of it is my delusion that he might bring Silas back. Or that if I lose him, I am losing a small piece of Silas. Also, he was one of the only people who really knew Silas. I feel like besides Nate and I, he was the closest to our baby and invested in his well being (although that didn’t turn out so well). It makes no sense, but I just don’t feel like I can part from him. None of it makes sense and it makes me feel crazy!
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You make perfect sense to me. I think that's why I went back to the same hospital next time. Though we didn't see one particular ob, I felt it was important to go to the same hospital, even though they failed us terribly and arguably, caused her death in the end, because it made me feel closer to her.
ReplyDeleteI too got great care in my pregnancy, just not in those final days when it counted the most.
xo
ha, I could have written just this (except my ob didn't kill Jack, but yeah). My ob called me from her cellphone, and now that I have her cellphone number I want to hold onto it "in case of emergency", but that's crazy.... right?
ReplyDeleteI would try not to email him unless you have to, that sort of attachment may not be beneficial if you're considering using him again it might sour things... Just some advice. :)
You are strong. I do hate mine and at almost a year I wonder when the intensity of the hate will subside. You will do what you need to when the time comes stay/go. In a way, staying would make it seem as though he would do anything to make right the wrong but that just isn't enough for me. Love to you and Silas~
ReplyDeleteI want more than anything to go back to San Francisco and work the my same perinatologist and surgeons that worked on Liam's fetal surgery and took care of me. I don't know why I feel so attached to them since he died in surgery. I guess its some weird attachment thing since that was the last place he was alive. I guess I don't have great advice, but just do what feels right
ReplyDeleteMakes perfect sense here too. I have both of my mw's numbers in my phone, and though I know I'll never need them again I can't delete them.
ReplyDeleteMy mw's were not responsible for Florence's death, but the one mw who delivered F feels so very close, luckily she lives nearby and I do see her tootling about on her rounds.For me, it's another link to F really being real, and I don't want to let go of that.
You don't sound weird at all - I have heard any number of people say exactly the same thing about their doctors.
ReplyDeleteThere is something we always hope will be stable and comforting and *safe* about doctors and their ability to help...not that we don't get horribly disappointed in those hopes. Even though we realize they aren't super-human and can't fix the world, we wish they could.
With the kind of trauma you have endured - and are still enduring - it seems like the most natural thing in the world that some sort of (even seeming) security means a lot.
Thinking of you every day,
Cathy in Missouri