Wednesday, June 22, 2011

So far away

My dear sweet Silas,

I feel so far away from you right now.  I was just reflecting about all that is still good in my life and maybe it is because I am focusing on that that you feel so far away.  I don't know, but I don't like it.  It has only been 3 (almost 4) months, I feel like you should be closer to me, tugging on my heart strings.  I still think of you all the time, yesterday I felt very angry that you were gone, I always feel sad, but now in a numb way. Maybe I don't feel close to you because I am not crying.  I haven't really cried in awhile.  I don't like that.  Am I wrong to not be crying?  Am I wrong to feel I need to be crying to show you that I love you or to feel close to you?  I hate it when I lose my tears.  My hearts cries for you all the time, but my eyes don't always follow.  I hear about women farther away from their loss who cry all the time.  Should I be like them?  Is that what proves that I am a good mom, that I love you and miss you with every fiber of my being?

I am afraid that I am unconsciously putting up my defenses and pushing you away.  So many bad things in my life I have forgotten because that has been my natural defense.  Forget it and you won't feel it.  I don't want to do that with you.  I never, ever, ever want to forget you.  I know that I won't, I can't.  But, I can unconsciously push you away so that I don't feel so much.  Is that what is happening?  Or, is this just a plateau and I will find my tears again?  This grief thing is so tricky.  I know that this has happened before.  I thought that I had lost my tears only to have them wash over me again even more intense.  But, this time is longer  between losing and then finding my tears again.

I so much try and not judge myself in this process and to accept my grief however it looks, but it is hard.  It is hard to not think there is a "right" way to grieve and I am doing it the wrong way.  And, that this wrong way somehow reflects on what type of mother I am and how much I love you.  I don't ever want anyone to questions my love for you.  But, why do I even care?  I know how I feel about you and as long as you know that too, I don't care about anyone else.

Do you know that I love you?  With or without tears my heart aches for you everyday.  I am going to try so hard not to put up a wall.  I don't want that wall. I want to be close to you. I want to feel having lost you.  It is all just so scary.  Feeling it is so scary, but not feeling it is even scarier.

I love you my precious boy,


  1. I think perhaps you are still a bit numb. For me it all hit at around 4 months. After we had visited home for the first time without him and right before Christmas.

    I think the numbness protects us in the beginning and allows us to make some of the decisions we need to make early on.

    Don't be too hard on yourself. We all have to grieve in our own way at our own pace. And I am pretty sure there will be many more tears to come, if that's what you need to get you through.

  2. You sound normal, normal, normal to me. Normal. Grief is a crooked, wretched path. I wish you didn't have to walk it. But one thing I know: you are not weird. And you are a GOOD mom. Silas is loved and I am sure he could not have a better mother anywhere, in any universe. I'm glad he got you.

    Reading and walking the path, too, with different details,

    Cathy in Missouri

  3. Shaina, I don't think that "numb" describes what you're going through at all, and I also don't think you're in the process of repressing Silas like you have other difficult times of your life. What I do believe is that your relationship with Silas is gradually changing. You have grieved very hard and intensely, with the focus of your process being on pain, rage, and despair. Now it seems that your process is starting to be driven more by love and hope. Silas is just as close to you as he ever was--it was the grief and pain that you were feeling so intensely, not Silas himself...your heart was being literally ripped apart, and that is how your relationship with Silas has been defined since he was born. No wonder you're grappling with it--now that your heart is becoming whole again (even bigger than before) and the tears aren't falling as easily, it can seem like you're not "feeling" as much and therefore you're losing him. But like I said, the feelings in your process are transient, but Silas is still your son and nothing will change that. Your relationship with him is evolving, becoming redefined in a beautiful and no less potent way. It's just that your heart is being slowly lifted rather than stabbed, so the sensations are not so all-consuming. Only you know how you want your relationship with Silas to be defined, but to me, this new place seems like a much sweeter one for both of you...

  4. My grief definitely got worse around the 3-4 month mark. People had told me that it got worse before it got better and I think that is what was happening. Maybe I was still in somewhat of a shock phase before that point. I'm not sure but now I am just under 6 months and feel like my grief has lessened or maybe has just become more manageable. I wouldn't say I am forgetting my son because I am not crying as much and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself if you aren't always crying either. This grief seems to be crazy and scary and always changing, but how you feel about Silas isn't going to ever change, tears or no tears.
    Beautiful letter....

  5. Oh sweetie, me too. Bad, then even worse. Sometimes a little more neutral, then very bad again. All completely normal.

  6. Shaina, all of what you are feeling is normal. Feeling guilty when you feel anything but sadness comes with the territory. This gets easier with time, I promise you. You are not farther away from Silas you are just learning how to incorporate the reality of his death into your life.

  7. thank you ladies. That is exactly what I needed: to feel normal...