My dear sweet Silas,
I feel so far away from you right now. I was just reflecting about all that is still good in my life and maybe it is because I am focusing on that that you feel so far away. I don't know, but I don't like it. It has only been 3 (almost 4) months, I feel like you should be closer to me, tugging on my heart strings. I still think of you all the time, yesterday I felt very angry that you were gone, I always feel sad, but now in a numb way. Maybe I don't feel close to you because I am not crying. I haven't really cried in awhile. I don't like that. Am I wrong to not be crying? Am I wrong to feel I need to be crying to show you that I love you or to feel close to you? I hate it when I lose my tears. My hearts cries for you all the time, but my eyes don't always follow. I hear about women farther away from their loss who cry all the time. Should I be like them? Is that what proves that I am a good mom, that I love you and miss you with every fiber of my being?
I am afraid that I am unconsciously putting up my defenses and pushing you away. So many bad things in my life I have forgotten because that has been my natural defense. Forget it and you won't feel it. I don't want to do that with you. I never, ever, ever want to forget you. I know that I won't, I can't. But, I can unconsciously push you away so that I don't feel so much. Is that what is happening? Or, is this just a plateau and I will find my tears again? This grief thing is so tricky. I know that this has happened before. I thought that I had lost my tears only to have them wash over me again even more intense. But, this time is longer between losing and then finding my tears again.
I so much try and not judge myself in this process and to accept my grief however it looks, but it is hard. It is hard to not think there is a "right" way to grieve and I am doing it the wrong way. And, that this wrong way somehow reflects on what type of mother I am and how much I love you. I don't ever want anyone to questions my love for you. But, why do I even care? I know how I feel about you and as long as you know that too, I don't care about anyone else.
Do you know that I love you? With or without tears my heart aches for you everyday. I am going to try so hard not to put up a wall. I don't want that wall. I want to be close to you. I want to feel having lost you. It is all just so scary. Feeling it is so scary, but not feeling it is even scarier.
I love you my precious boy,