Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I'm back


I am so sorry that I have been completely MIA for many months.  It is not because I haven’t needed to write or that I haven’t been thinking about you all, but I just didn’t know how.  In June I found out that I was pregnant again.  I am now 20w 4days and it sure has been an interesting couple of months.  I stopped writing because I wasn’t ready to share the news with the world and didn’t know how to be on here and not talk about it.  I spent the first three months completely worried and sure that I was going to miscarry and doing everything I could to not think about the fact that I was pregnant.  But, 4 ultrasounds later and many doctor’s appointments I have now left the “miscarriage” stage of this pregnancy.  This new stage of pregnancy brings up a whole new slew of issues. 

First, being the fact that this new little baby is a girl.  I originally very much wanted another boy because I felt so robbed of being able to parent a son, however I now am thankful for a girl because I think it would have been too complicated and confusing to have another boy and trying to separate that new boy from the my son, Silas who died.  Plus, I announced it was a girl and the world wants me to be so excited.  They project their own excitement on me “Oh you must be so happy”, “look you are beaming”, etc, etc and I end up feeling guilty and crying because no I am not necessarily excited about the fact that this baby is a girl.  Quite frankly, I don’t give a damn about the sex.  I am happy that at that same ultrasound I found out that this little girl is healthy and developing appropriately.  That is all I care about.  But, I spent the whole week sobbing (back into the bathroom at work to hide and cry, it has been many months since I have needed to do that) because at the ultrasound it was another realization, another slap in the fact that this baby is not Silas.  I am never going to see Silas again.  I am never going to be able to parent him and watch him grow up.  It is strange when and how these things pop up that completely throw you backwards in your grief when you thought you were doing really well. 

Secondly, this little girl is starting to kick around a lot more now.  Although that is nice and I like the reassurance, it also forces me to face the fact that I am pregnant again.  I was doing so much better when I was able to not think about it and absorb myself in books and live in some other world.  Now, I am forced to think about it which increases my anxiety and fear tenfold.  I am so worried that something terrible is going to happen to my little girl and I don’t think I can bear that.  I try hard to think positively and to be optimistic, but it is so hard after losing a baby.  I now know too well all the things that could go possibly wrong.  My new mantra is “most babies live, most babies live, most babies live”. 

Thirdly, now that I am showing more I am getting strangers asking me “is this your first”, “aren’t you so excited”, “what a wonderful journey pregnancy is”, blah, blah, blah.  I had been dreading this question for some time, but once I actually started getting it I have found that it hasn’t been too bad.  It gives me an opportunity to talk about Silas.  I don’t go into details, but I always say “No, this is not my first, I had a son who passed away during labor”.  But, it has been hard to deal with people who want to talk about this pregnancy like it is a normal pregnancy, even people who know otherwise.  It is not normal, I can’t talk excitedly and joyfully about this pregnancy.  I want this baby more than anything in the world, but I won’t be excited until this baby is in my arms, alive and screaming.  I get angry that I can’t be blissfully ignorant in the pregnancy.  I feel robbed of being able to be joyful.  And, it’s not like I don’t enjoy some aspects of being pregnant again and having this wonderful little girl growing inside of me, but it is so clouded by my fears and the anxiety about the possibility that I can lose another baby.

Lastly, it has been very difficult trying to manage both grieving for my son who passed away only 7 months ago and loving this new baby who has been growing in my womb for 5 months.  If I am sad about Silas does that mean that I am not loving this little girl?  If I am loving and singing and talking to this little girl does that mean I am forgetting about my son?  Is my grief for my son going to overshadow my love for my daughter?  I don’t want her to forever live in the shadow of her dead brother.  How can a have them both and parent them both?  How can I honor the grief that I still have for my son and still be happy about being pregnant with my daughter?  It is soo “f”ing hard! 

Okay, I think this is it for now.  I am glad to be back and hopefully it will be a more regular thing.  And, I look forward to reading your blogs again, catching up, and reconnecting.

With love,