I think I am experiencing panic attacks again. This hasn’t happened to me for a long time. When I was younger, I was a full-fledged hypochondriac. I spent many nights falling asleep sure that I would not wake up in the morning, because I always had trouble breathing (which I now know was related to anxiety). For a time, I also suffered from pretty bad vertigo and would wake up in the middle of the night with it and sure that I had been bitten by a mutant daddy longlegs with a huge mouth (because they are supposedly the most poisonness spider, but their mouths aren’t big enough to bite you). I was the girl that tended to have random physical pains and aches and would immediately associate them with some deathly illness, look up the symptoms on WebMD for brain aneurysm, heart failure, tumors, cancer, blood clots, etc and then my body would play tricks on me and I was sure I was feeling all of the symptoms and was minutes away from death. I won’t go into all the details about how bad it has been at times, but through the years I have gotten much more control over this and have usually been able to talk myself down knowing that it was in my head.
However, since losing Silas this fear of death has started to creep up again. For example, I was at the gym yesterday and got this sharp pain in the top of my head and immediately went to the thought that I was suffering a brain aneurysm. I prepared myself to the fact that I might keel over at any second, visualizing falling on the guy next to me on the elliptical. I had to leave the gym early and go home. This is when my body started to play tricks on me. I started to get this warm sensation on the side of my face and my nose started to run a little and I was sure it was going to start pouring blood. I just work myself up so much. When I got home, my husband talked me down and I was able to distract myself enough and forget about it. Now, this morning my head still feels weird and I am freaking out. It is likely just my sinuses, but I am back to going to such an extreme. I haven’t suffered panic attacks in a long time, but they are back and it SUCKS!!! I could go to the doctors and get all kinds of tests, but I have done it so many times before and never has anything ever been wrong with me. It has always been in my head.
And, it’s not just for my own death, but I get really scared for my husband too. He was at a concert on Sunday and I was so scared something was going to happen and he wouldn’t come home. I can’t imagine life without him, I don’t know what I would do. I hate feeling so scared and so out of control of my mind, my body, my emotions.