I think I am experiencing panic attacks again. This hasn’t happened to me for a long time. When I was younger, I was a full-fledged hypochondriac. I spent many nights falling asleep sure that I would not wake up in the morning, because I always had trouble breathing (which I now know was related to anxiety). For a time, I also suffered from pretty bad vertigo and would wake up in the middle of the night with it and sure that I had been bitten by a mutant daddy longlegs with a huge mouth (because they are supposedly the most poisonness spider, but their mouths aren’t big enough to bite you). I was the girl that tended to have random physical pains and aches and would immediately associate them with some deathly illness, look up the symptoms on WebMD for brain aneurysm, heart failure, tumors, cancer, blood clots, etc and then my body would play tricks on me and I was sure I was feeling all of the symptoms and was minutes away from death. I won’t go into all the details about how bad it has been at times, but through the years I have gotten much more control over this and have usually been able to talk myself down knowing that it was in my head.
However, since losing Silas this fear of death has started to creep up again. For example, I was at the gym yesterday and got this sharp pain in the top of my head and immediately went to the thought that I was suffering a brain aneurysm. I prepared myself to the fact that I might keel over at any second, visualizing falling on the guy next to me on the elliptical. I had to leave the gym early and go home. This is when my body started to play tricks on me. I started to get this warm sensation on the side of my face and my nose started to run a little and I was sure it was going to start pouring blood. I just work myself up so much. When I got home, my husband talked me down and I was able to distract myself enough and forget about it. Now, this morning my head still feels weird and I am freaking out. It is likely just my sinuses, but I am back to going to such an extreme. I haven’t suffered panic attacks in a long time, but they are back and it SUCKS!!! I could go to the doctors and get all kinds of tests, but I have done it so many times before and never has anything ever been wrong with me. It has always been in my head.
And, it’s not just for my own death, but I get really scared for my husband too. He was at a concert on Sunday and I was so scared something was going to happen and he wouldn’t come home. I can’t imagine life without him, I don’t know what I would do. I hate feeling so scared and so out of control of my mind, my body, my emotions.
I haven't been afraid of my own death. But I did go through a phase where I was completely paraniod that something would happen to my husband. I would even lie in bed and listen to make sure he was breathing.
ReplyDeletePanic attacks are the worst. I used to get them a lot and have them still every so often. I have not had any since Adam passed away, which I find strange. I remember the first day he was hospitalized, I kept feeling them come on, but I had to push them away cuz just too much was going on. I haven't been afraid of my own death at all, but terrified of something happening to my daughter. I just cannot go through this a second time.
ReplyDeleteI think after losing a child worrying about death is par for the course. My husband commutes 11 miles to work everyday, in Los Angeles, on his bike and I am scared nearly everyday that he is going to get hit by a car. He loves riding his bike and he takes precautions to be safe (like a helmet) but I still worry. So, what I am trying to say is that you're not alone in these fears.
ReplyDeletei worry about my husband dying all the time. I know it's not going to happen, but it still grates on my nerves when he's out late or I can't reach him immediately by phone. Crazy.
ReplyDeleteI developed a lot of anxiety after Lucy's death too. Maybe a bit of cancernoia. (Monica from Knocked Up Knocked Down coined that one.) I was afraid of mortality--mine. My children's. My husband's. My parents'. Convinced that every sore muscle was a pulmonary embolism waiting to happen. I don't lie in bed at night and swirl in anxiety anymore, but I feel like I could if I let myself. Anxiety is a torturous hell to be in. It is impossibly cruel to feel that way on top of grief. Or maybe it is part of grief? It was in my experience. Sending love and calm.
ReplyDeleteI hate that you have this going on on top of everything else. *sigh* I am truly the odd one out in DBL, because I have mostly found myself cured of my anxiety. Yes, I check on my daughter constantly, but I think that's pretty normal. I have suffered serious anxiety issues since junior high. They have gotten better over time, but I feel almost numb now rather than anxious. I don't know if this is good or bad or what it means, but I am just of the mind that what will be will be. After all the extra care and monitoring and worrying over my pregnancy I lost my son, so I have to accept my utter lack of control over pretty much everything in this world. So I have become ridiculously laid back, almost to a fault. I used to get so worked up about little things that now completely roll off of my back. I am wondering if this is part of the shock factor or not for me. 6 months out I would think that had worn off. HUGS to you, darling. This too shall pass. Really.
ReplyDeletePanic attacks are the worst! For a long time after Chai's death, I was convinced I would lose L too. It is very unpleasant. I have night terrors and I told my acupuncturist about it randomly. He did a few extra pins and now they are gone. Permanently, I hope. I'm pretty sure now the pins can cure almost anything. I highly recommend it. Your fears are natural. You are not alone. Strength to you~
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