My days seem to be getting easier. Although I could be fooling myself, as I tend to do each time I have a spell of feeling okay and thinking I am passed the intense sorrow only to be bulldozed over by grief again a few days later. But, last week I had a session of EMDR therapy to try and rid myself of the self-loathing I had acquired since Silas's death and I have been wearing like a heavy cloak. It has been almost a week and I feel like I have peeled off a good portion of that cloak. However, like I just said, I am holding my breath thinking that I have only had a moment of reprieve and all those feelings will soon come crashing back. But, as of yet, it has lasted, these feelings of believing I am a good person and a good mother. That was my mantra in the session. Since, the session I haven't really cried either, well not during the days. I still think of Silas almost every minute of my day, but without the gut wrenching agony, just a sad longing to have my boy with me. Now, at nights I lay myself in bed and I gently cry myself to sleep. Since the day I came home from the hospital I have slept with the baby blanket I made him and his little beanie he wore stays inside my pillowcase. It gives me a sense of closeness to him. Last night, it wasn't enough. Sometimes the yearning to hold him in my arms is so great it hurts. Last night, I cuddled his picture and fell asleep with him in my arms and tears streaming down my face. I have noticed in the last several weeks my tears have been gentler. I haven't really cried uncontrollably, but tears just fall from my eyes. At times, I haven't realized I was even crying until I felt the tears on my cheeks. I think I might be stopping myself from crying like that though. Actually, I know I am, I usually breathe through it so it doesn't get too intense. I get afraid of letting myself feel it so intensely. Afraid that if I let myself really cry, I might never stop. It's a fear of losing control, I guess. So, at night, when I finally have let go of all distractions and I lay my head on my pillow and look at his picture on my nightstand, I gently cry myself to sleep.
What do you do to feel close to your child? How has your grief changed over time?