My days seem to be getting easier. Although I could be fooling myself, as I tend to do each time I have a spell of feeling okay and thinking I am passed the intense sorrow only to be bulldozed over by grief again a few days later. But, last week I had a session of EMDR therapy to try and rid myself of the self-loathing I had acquired since Silas's death and I have been wearing like a heavy cloak. It has been almost a week and I feel like I have peeled off a good portion of that cloak. However, like I just said, I am holding my breath thinking that I have only had a moment of reprieve and all those feelings will soon come crashing back. But, as of yet, it has lasted, these feelings of believing I am a good person and a good mother. That was my mantra in the session. Since, the session I haven't really cried either, well not during the days. I still think of Silas almost every minute of my day, but without the gut wrenching agony, just a sad longing to have my boy with me. Now, at nights I lay myself in bed and I gently cry myself to sleep. Since the day I came home from the hospital I have slept with the baby blanket I made him and his little beanie he wore stays inside my pillowcase. It gives me a sense of closeness to him. Last night, it wasn't enough. Sometimes the yearning to hold him in my arms is so great it hurts. Last night, I cuddled his picture and fell asleep with him in my arms and tears streaming down my face. I have noticed in the last several weeks my tears have been gentler. I haven't really cried uncontrollably, but tears just fall from my eyes. At times, I haven't realized I was even crying until I felt the tears on my cheeks. I think I might be stopping myself from crying like that though. Actually, I know I am, I usually breathe through it so it doesn't get too intense. I get afraid of letting myself feel it so intensely. Afraid that if I let myself really cry, I might never stop. It's a fear of losing control, I guess. So, at night, when I finally have let go of all distractions and I lay my head on my pillow and look at his picture on my nightstand, I gently cry myself to sleep.
What do you do to feel close to your child? How has your grief changed over time?
My husband just painted and hung a shelf, and on it are all the remembrance gifts we've received in memory of Elias. A few weeks after my loss, I NEVER would have thought that doing something like that would provide ANY comfort. But looking at this shelf for whatever reason fills me with a sense of peace. Not acceptance, but a peaceful sensation of knowing that our son has his place in our home and will always be with us and remembered by anyone who walks into that room.
ReplyDeleteIt's coming up for 1 year since my little one was born an angel.
ReplyDeleteI don't do anything in particular to feel close to him, just take a moment to allow myself to just think about him from time to time. The actual physical pain of grief only visits occasionally now.
Thinking of you
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