Sunday, May 8, 2011

A letter to my son

My dear sweet Silas,

It is mother's day today and I thank you, for you are my gift.  Although this is the hardest time of my life, I am so thankful and grateful for the 9 1/2 months you were with me.  I cherished every moment we spent together, each kick, tumble and hiccup.  You have changed my life my precious little man.  I intend to spend everyday trying to make you proud.

I anticipated that today would be hard, but your mommy has so many people who love her and who love you too and they made sure that I was taken care of today.  I received so much love today and it is more then I could have ever anticipated.  You took care of me too.  I saw the moon this afternoon.  I don't know why, but I look to the moon to be close to you.  I have searched for two weeks now for the moon and it has not been out.  Today, the crescent moon was out.  I choose to believe that again it was you saying "happy mother's day. I love you today and always."

I love you my sweet boy, your mommy


  1. Hi Shaina,
    I am sorry that you lost sweet Silas. I lost my twins Alice and Drake on March 4th and March 11th. Silas is a beautiful name, it was on my list of boys names. My Mother's Day was hard too. I felt like a fake mother. I guess because I too didn't "fit in" with the happy mothers. I know what it feels like to be a mother (even if for only a short while) but I didn't experience that feeling Sunday and it left me empty. I felt I was outside, looking in. You seem to be trying to think positive thoughts which brings me comfort. I've read so many other peoples blogs and have realized that it is easy to dwell on my children's deaths but I don't want to look back in a year and wonder where the time went. I can't spend the time I have bogged down in self-pity and wishful thinking. I often get depressed and have to get my sadness out by writing but I refuse to let that sadness define me and it seems that you may feel the same way. I am glad to have found your blog but I am sorry at the same time.

  2. I am glad that you found my blog too. I agree that it comes far too easy to dwell on our children's deaths and we can get consumed in this blm world, which sometimes for me, can just be too heavy and too depressing. I can't say that I am not depressed and self-hating most of the time, but I do my best not to stay in that place. I have to consciously make an effort to focus on the happy times I had with Silas because it is not fair to him or to me to only focus on that moment when I lost him and how sad my life is now without him. Although I mentioned earlier that this blm community can be quite depressing, it is also through this community that I have felt inspired to give back in a positive way. There are so many women in this community that do very kind and thoughtful things to help each other through this experience, such as writing our little ones names in the sand, becoming a part of an organization that helps bereaved families, making specialty jewelry, etc. I have also started to search for blogs of women who are farther thru their grief process and can write about how they have found happiness again and hope for a future.

  3. Shaina,

    I just read your story on Faces of Loss.

    Allow yourself time...that was the best advice given to me. The world moves on and we begin to think we should too. There is hope and I find that in know my babies in heaven are waiting for me.

    I had an early miscarriage in 2006, lost my 3 yo daughter's twin at 20 weeks gestation in 2007 and most recently, 13 months ago I delivered my dear sweet Abigail Eden still at about 16 weeks gestation.

    Each loss was different and it wasn't until Abigail passed that I grieved my previous losses. Losing Abigail was more intensely physical. 13 months later I can still smell the hospital room, I can feel her move, and I often still grab my belly each morning just as I did when she was growing inside me.

    I ache deeply for my babies in heaven. I think I always will.

    Much love and prayers to you.


  4. Shaina,

    I too just found your story on Faces of Loss, and I have to tell you how very sorry I am for the loss of your son Silas. My son Otis was born and died under very similar circumstances (41 weeks, big baby, long labor, difficult delivery) back in September. I'm a little farther along in the process, but not a whole lot, but I can say that the moments of hope, of finding center, of feeling even somewhat less broken do come fits and spurts and waves. It has gotten easier for me, not always of course, and the loss of my son has become more "integrated" into who I am in the world; I hate that it's who I've had to become...but I also love who my son has made me - his loss has strengthened my marriage and taught me more about love and commitment than I ever thought possible. It has taught me what it means to stand by someone in their darkest hours. Otis inspires me to live life in a way that I take nothing for granted...he has helped me to see the simple beauties in life, a flower beginning to bud, a butterfly landing on a rock, the sound of the wind rustling through a tree, the warmth of my dogs as they snuggle into me.

    I'm not far from you, geographically (we're in the East Bay) and if you ever want to talk more, please feel free to email: I have a blog too - I don't write that often anymore, and I also should let you know that I am pregnant again (with some complications, natch) in case you aren't yet wanting to read about someone in that part of the journey...

    Wishing you peace, and love and light,

  5. Shaina,

    I just read your story. I am sorry for the loss of little Silas. My heart breaks to read your story! I hope and pray that God will hold you and provide you and your husband peace.

    Please let me know if there is anything I can do... On behalf of 1heart2souls, our team is praying for you!

    Luci Klare