Wednesday, May 18, 2011
fooling myself
Yep, I was fooling myself like I stated in my previous post. I don't know why when I get these days of feeling okay that I think I am "over the hump" or something of that effect. I always seem to be surprised when my grief hits me like a ton of rocks again. Almost immediately after I wrote that post yesterday about feeling okay did I start to have a terrible day and missed my baby sooo much. I don't know if I will ever get used to this rollercoaster.
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The first months were an absolute rollercoaster for me. Especially after they stopped being consistently 100% crappy, and I'd have glimpses of it feeling almost "okay" and then it would come crashing all down on top of me all over again.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the glimpses when you have them, I promise you they will become more frequent and last longer.
The rollercoaster has begun to smooth itself out for me. There are still the occasional bottoms dropping out and horrible twists and turns, but the ride in general has gotten either a lot more predictably topsy-turvy or else a lot smoother.
Hoping for some gentle moments for you, and sending love.
sarah
I read an amazing post about this very topic where a woman compared her grief to being swept away by waves in the ocean unexpectedly. I will try to find it and send it to you, as it resonates so much to what I am feeling and may be of help to you as well. xo
ReplyDeletehello!
ReplyDeletei am new to your blog, having just read your story on the faces of loss site. i, too, lost my first born during labor. the last fetal heart tone check before she emerged was silent.
i know the pain you feel. the ups and downs. and it will continue to morph and change with every passing day.
my sweet girl has been gone a little over a year now, and i am days away from giving birth to her little sister.
even with all the joy surrounding the birth of our second daughter, i cannot help but feel some sadness, anxiety, trepidation...
i wish my first daughter, sofia, was here. i always will.
and you will always long for silas. he will always be a part of your family, your reality.
i hope you find your peace, in whatever form it comes. it is out there.
with love,
adrienne
Oh..."fooling myself" sounds to me almost self-accusing, as though you see one side of yourself tricking the other. I'm so glad you're working with Beno on self-forgiveness amidst your grief. I hope that throughout this crazy lurching roller coaster you'll learn to accept the contrasting extremes as part of the process, rather than casting any sort of judgment around it. As much as I wish for you that it could, it doesn't seem that pain as cutting as yours could possibly fade quietly. I'm sorry it's come back to haunt you so suddenly and fiercely :(
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