Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

What a cruel reminder of what my life should be right now and what it actually is.  Not like I need a reminder.  It is all too obvious and soul-crushing every day, so thank you hallmark for slapping me in the face with it again.  Don't worry I won't forget.  I didn't know how I was going to feel today, I had been anticipating it all week wondering how I would feel, who would reach out, and what I was going to do.  Well, I feel terrible.  I didn't sleep last night and now I can't seem to get off of the couch or think about anything else except that my son is dead.  Today, Silas would have been 2 months old.  But, he's not.  He's gone.  And I am here, still alive, without him.

I can see all the other mother's waking up to sweet little cards from their children, having a picnic, maybe celebrating with family.  And, then maybe they would take some time to their selves because they have been so overwhelmed with the demands of being a mother.  My story is different.  I am a different kind of mother.  I am not exhausted from the sleepless nights of my crying baby, I am exhausted from my own sleepless nights of desperately missing my baby.  I do not need to take a spa day to get some much needed "me" time, I have too much me time already.  I think of all the other BLM (Babylostmoms) and I cry for them, knowing there day will be similar to mine.  You never realize this until you are in it or know someone in it, how painful a day like today can be.  I have a new appreciation for International BabyLost Mother's Day.  I think I fit there better than I fit here on this day.

There is a facebook quote about what it means to be a mom, it talks about being up all night, bathing your baby, having your baby fall asleep on your chest, etc etc.  That is not who I am.  Like another fellow blm wrote, I am a mother in how I keep my son's memory alive.  I've been thinking more about how to do this lately.  I am inspired by how so many other blm's start projects to support other women who have experienced this loss.  I am going to try and do something like this too.  I am playing around with the ideas of making blankets for the hospital or volunteering with Faces of Loss as an editor, I'm just not sure yet.  I do know that I am excited to walk for March of Dimes next Saturday.  I know now that I will do this every year as a way to remember Silas and to support healthy babies.  I am excited to build a team of family and friends who also want to remember Silas with us and walk with us.  It feels so important to me to do this in his name, to honor my son, this way.  I want him to be proud of who his mommy is.  Him and my husband are the only reason why I have not self-destructed, even when I have wanted to so bad.  But, I want to show my son how strong his mommy is and how I can do something positive, just like he did when he saved other babies lives by donating his heart.  I too want to give back to this community that I have just become a part of.  I can't comfort and nurture my little one, but maybe I can bring comfort and nurturance to other mothers who need it in their time of grief.

1 comment:

  1. Shaina, I'm glad you managed to find some balance after all on this day, despite Hallmark's salt. Good for you for finding ways to transform your pain into ways that both commemorate Silas joyfully and that help other fragile babies too...seems like that would take a lot of strength and intention, the kind of thing that's done just out of love.