Friday, April 29, 2011

A Poem by Stephanie Paige Cole from her book, "Still."

I thought I would share this poem (it's safer than sharing my own) by Stephanie as it reflects how I feel to the deepest part of my core.  I could name it Tuesday, and it would be mine, the circumstances are different, but the feelings are so the same.  Especially this week which has proven to be one of the hardest weeks I have had so far, besides those first few weeks when i couldn't lift myself from the couch and my eyes were literally almost swollen shut from my not stop crying.  Okay, here it is, brace yourself (those who have lost your babies), I could barely even read this the first time through because I was crying so hard and I know it will be just as hard to type it here and have to read it again.

Thursday by Stephanie Paige Cole
Why are they worried?
What's going on?
Kind of excited
I love ultrasounds
Is something wrong?
Their faces are frozen
Worried, just a little
"I'm so sorry…"
She's dead
It washes over me
Drags me under
She's dead
She's dead
Do it again
They turn the monitor
I look
But I can't see
I'm gone
So is she
Nothing makes sense
"Wait here"
"Richy's coming"
"Here is a gown"
I stay in my clothes
He's here
He's crying
Now I can cry
Maybe I'll kill myself
I wish I knew how
Complete disbelief
What are they asking of me?
I have to labor?
She needs to come out?
This is all wrong
I want to go home
I want to die
Please make it stop
Why won't it stop?
Utter disbelief
I detach from my body
They do things to that girl
I guess that she's me
IV, Pitocin, catheter
I don't care
Water breaks
Muscles contract
I don't feel them
Are they even mine?
Baby is coming
One last push
I won't
You'll take her from me
Keep her inside
She's safe with her mommy
No choice
No control
My body betrays me
She's out
She is dead
They say "it's was a girl"
Has she stopped being one?
She is a girl
I know
She's my daughter
I hold her
I love her
They take her away
I fall
Days pass
Shock lifts
Disbelief stays
Pain comes
Piles of it
More every day
It crushes me
Darker than darkness
Engulfs me
I stare for hours
The lights stay off
There's nothing to see
I ache
I long
I die every morning
I cry myself to sleep
I wake up
I die again
I hurt and hurt and hurt
It doesn't stop
Time does not heal
This will not heal
I will just learn to breathe through the pain
But I don't want to breathe
I don't want to heal
I just want to wake up on Thursday
And start over again


  1. Wow. So powerful. I especially relate to the parts where she says she dies every morning. That is exactly what this feels like. The first thought in your head is, "Oh, that's right, this is still my life, and my baby is still dead." I also relate to that sensation of being out of body and watching everything as an observer. I still feel that way, four months out!

  2. There are things in that book that I have said directly. Reading that someone else feels/said the same way/things gave some validation. I would love to tell you that it magically is better, but I am almost 8 months into this journey. Some days it is as raw as the moment they said "baby C expired". There will be good days and there will be days when it hits you like a freight train. BUT, we are all in this together even though this is quite possibly the lonliest road you will ever take.