My therapist said today, "It sounds like you hold a lot of guilt about things" (this was our second session), what an understatement!!! I think I feel guilty about almost all my thoughts and feelings, okay maybe that is an overstatement, but you get the idea. Some of the context about where this statement came from I am not going to divulge on here, but a lot of it had to do with my grief process and how to identify myself without my baby boy by my side. Specifically, today a woman said to me, "it's so nice to see you happy again" or something along those lines and I instantly felt guilty. I shouldn't look happy it has only been a month and a half since I lost my son. I feel like I need to time warp back to the early 1900's and wear black garb for a year with a veil over my face. At least that is how I feel in the inside, even if I have a smile on my face and casually shoot the shit. Silas is never not right there in the forefront of my thoughts. So don't be fooled. What you see is only an empty shell of the person I once was. I feel guilty when I fool you, but like I said earlier I need to embrace those short moments of reprieve.
Oh, but that guilt is strong. What kind of mother can feel moments of happiness? Are they truly happy moments anyways, I think not? Am I really a mother though? What makes a mother? Today I referred to myself as a mother and felt weird like this person I was talking to was going to look at me weird or perplexed? Where is my baby to prove that I am mother? If I am a mother, what kind am I being that I can't even keep my baby safe? And, please don't comment about how great of a mother I am, I am not fishing for compliments and nothing you could say will alleviate the deep seeded guilt about not being able to bring my baby home and doubts about what that means for me as a mother. I think I will always feel guilty and ashamed about this. Trust me I wish it was different, but this is my reality now, as shitty as that may be.