4 months

Today my precious little boy would have been four months old and I should be celebrating.  Instead I am wallowing in self-pity and sadness because my coworker is giving birth as we speak.  She will birth a healthy baby girl 4 months to the day that my precious son died.  I should be more happy for her and I am happy, but mostly I am just sad and angry for me.  It seems like everyone gets to take home healthy, happy babies, but me.  Why me?  Why didn't I get to take home my son?  What sort of sick joke or cruel punishment is this?  I don't deserve this.  I deserve my son.  I would have been a good mom.  I loved him so much.  And, still I lost him only minutes before he was in my arms.  It's not fair.  It's just not fair.  I know we blm's say that all the time, but it is the truth.  It's not fair, it doesn't make sense, there is no reason.  It can happen to anyone, but it happened to me.  How am I supposed to move on?  How am I supposed to live?  I feel so lost?   I feel so hopeless.  I want to just crawl into a ball on my sofa and disappear.

Sometimes..

I truly hate my life.  I hate that my son isn't here.  I hate that I can't enjoy the sames things that I enjoyed just a year ago: the fair, 4th of July parades, people.  Today, my husband is in the Novato parade.  I initially wanted to go and see him in it.  Last year, I had so much fun, but this year I know I am going to be surrounded by new moms and little babies.  We went to the fair on Saturday and I was totally unprepared for all the babies.  They were everywhere (of course if was the fair).  I hate that everywhere I turn I am reminded that I have lost the most precious thing I ever had (just briefly had).  My son should be almost four months old.  I should have brought him to the fair with me and showed him all the animals and had him listen to the reggae show, mommy's favorite type of music.  I should be putting little ear muffs on him tonight and bringing him to the fireworks show.  I should have my son. But, I don't.  Why?  Why don't I get my son?  It's not fair.  I am SO sick of everyone else getting to take home their precious little babies, of course I would never want it to be otherwise, but I want my baby too.  I love him so much and it hurts so bad!!!!  My coworker is going on maternity leave at the end of this week and I keep hearing people ooh and aah over her and her little one that will be here soon and then almost in the same breath come over to me and talk to me about some stupid thing as if my heart hadn't just been crushed by having to hear their interaction about her baby. 

Life just sucks right now....

So far away

My dear sweet Silas,

I feel so far away from you right now.  I was just reflecting about all that is still good in my life and maybe it is because I am focusing on that that you feel so far away.  I don't know, but I don't like it.  It has only been 3 (almost 4) months, I feel like you should be closer to me, tugging on my heart strings.  I still think of you all the time, yesterday I felt very angry that you were gone, I always feel sad, but now in a numb way. Maybe I don't feel close to you because I am not crying.  I haven't really cried in awhile.  I don't like that.  Am I wrong to not be crying?  Am I wrong to feel I need to be crying to show you that I love you or to feel close to you?  I hate it when I lose my tears.  My hearts cries for you all the time, but my eyes don't always follow.  I hear about women farther away from their loss who cry all the time.  Should I be like them?  Is that what proves that I am a good mom, that I love you and miss you with every fiber of my being?

I am afraid that I am unconsciously putting up my defenses and pushing you away.  So many bad things in my life I have forgotten because that has been my natural defense.  Forget it and you won't feel it.  I don't want to do that with you.  I never, ever, ever want to forget you.  I know that I won't, I can't.  But, I can unconsciously push you away so that I don't feel so much.  Is that what is happening?  Or, is this just a plateau and I will find my tears again?  This grief thing is so tricky.  I know that this has happened before.  I thought that I had lost my tears only to have them wash over me again even more intense.  But, this time is longer  between losing and then finding my tears again.

I so much try and not judge myself in this process and to accept my grief however it looks, but it is hard.  It is hard to not think there is a "right" way to grieve and I am doing it the wrong way.  And, that this wrong way somehow reflects on what type of mother I am and how much I love you.  I don't ever want anyone to questions my love for you.  But, why do I even care?  I know how I feel about you and as long as you know that too, I don't care about anyone else.

Do you know that I love you?  With or without tears my heart aches for you everyday.  I am going to try so hard not to put up a wall.  I don't want that wall. I want to be close to you. I want to feel having lost you.  It is all just so scary.  Feeling it is so scary, but not feeling it is even scarier.

I love you my precious boy,
Shaina  

Good things

I had started to contemplate what is still positive in my life (my marriage, my job, my core group of friends) and the positives that have been created from my loss.  The latter is hard to swallow because I don't want to acknowledge that anything positive has come out my my son's death, but in reality it has.  A fellow BLM, Karen said it perfectly,


"Lately, I have also been having more positive moments of actually seeing the loss as giving me the gift of new friendships, the gift of appreciation for things I would have taken for granted in the past, the gift of wanting to bring more awareness to our cause, the gift to be more open about death, the gift of compassion (with an intense desire to want to "pay it forward" by helping and supporting others who have gone through this type of loss), etc. "


All of this is true in my own life as it is in hers.  She just expressed it so eloquently.  I honestly had taken my marriage for granted before becoming pregnant.  Once, I became pregnant with Silas I saw how amazing of a man and future daddy I had married.  After Silas died, our love for each other grew even stronger.  It is only in this great tragedy that we have seen how much love we have for each other and I have become aware that the man I married will stick by my side through thick and thin.  He has been so patient with my grief process, always encouraging me to express myself, to walk, to yell, to hit, to cry, whatever feels right for me.  He has shared his own grief by crying and being vulnerable, by not being afraid to talk about our son and sharing his sadness.  This has made me feel so less alone.  


I never imagined that I would establish such amazing friendships with other BLMs that live locally and all over the world.  There are only a few that I feel truly close too, but they have been so amazingly supportive to me.  They have reached out to me in times when I needed that extra support.  They have listened, counseled, shared, comforted, cried, outraged, consoled, yelled, and so much more with me throughout these past 3 months.  They have not coward away when I have shown the uglier sides of myself and the darkest moments of my grief.  It is amazing that through our shared experience we can bond so deeply in such a short amount of time.  


I have also been surprised by those RL friends who have been there for me through this as well.  Over the weekend, I vacationed with friends, some who have been around through these months and others who have not really, but I felt with them that I could truly be myself.  Before going, I was nervous about how I was going to be around them, what I could share, what I couldn't, what I really even wanted from them.  I thought that for them to be "good friends" and support me I had to be comfortable breaking down in front of them, crying, etc.  But, I realized when I was there that that is not what I want from them or what I need.  I know that I prefer crying and falling apart privately (or online to my BLM friends).  What I found so amazing about these friends is the way they unknowingly supported me by allowing me to talk and by talking with me about Silas and my pregnancy without question.  They were completely comfortable, not any signs of them being uncomfortable: awkward silences, looks, etc.  They were completely open to talking about my pregnancy even joking about some of it, talking about Silas, my volunteering with Faces of Loss, etc.  And, not in a serious, deep way, but just talking.  Maybe mentioning something in passing.  It was amazing that my pregnancy, my loss, my son was an okay topic to discuss or not discuss.   I had no idea what I needed until I was there.  I tried talking about it to see if it would be okay and how they would react and they were wonderful.  It allowed me to relax and really enjoy myself knowing that they weren't trying to shove my loss under the table, but recognizing it and being open to listen and share as if it was any other topic of discussion that could have been had.  They have no idea how much that means to me.  I had no idea until this weekend.  


I feel so blessed to have all of the love and support.  This too I must have taken for granted.  I had no idea how many people cared about my husband, me, Silas until he passed away.  I have been constantly surprised by those who have reached out in such amazing ways.  It has made such an impact on us.  I know that this journey would be so much more unbearable without all of the love and support that has been showered upon us.  Sometimes, I forget or am unable to recognize how much support we have because my grief is so strong and no amount of support will take it away.  But, when those darkest times pass, I can see that the love is there.  


Lastly, like Karen I have found such a passion to support other women in this community, to "pay it forward", and to spread awareness.  It is so deep in me to give back, to help change the medical system to better support the 1 in 4 women who will experience this type of loss.  Since, I have started giving back my grief has changed significantly.  So much of my anguish has been channeled and focused in outreach and volunteering projects.  It has helped to know that something positive can come from my son's death.  He saved another child or twos life by donating his heart and I will continue his legacy by helping others in whatever way that I can and to ensure (as much as I can) that women who experience child loss have the support that they need. 


So although it is sometimes hard to wrap my head around the fact that positive things can come out of something so tragic, they have and I am grateful for it.  I wish with every ounce of my being that my son was here and I would trade these good things in a heartbeat (his heartbeat) for him to be here, but he is gone and I am not.  I have to continue to live and I deserve to have good things and to do good things.  I know that is what my son would want for me. 


Have you been able to recognize positive things in your life that emerged after or because of your loss?