Friday, July 8, 2011
Today my precious little boy would have been four months old and I should be celebrating. Instead I am wallowing in self-pity and sadness because my coworker is giving birth as we speak. She will birth a healthy baby girl 4 months to the day that my precious son died. I should be more happy for her and I am happy, but mostly I am just sad and angry for me. It seems like everyone gets to take home healthy, happy babies, but me. Why me? Why didn't I get to take home my son? What sort of sick joke or cruel punishment is this? I don't deserve this. I deserve my son. I would have been a good mom. I loved him so much. And, still I lost him only minutes before he was in my arms. It's not fair. It's just not fair. I know we blm's say that all the time, but it is the truth. It's not fair, it doesn't make sense, there is no reason. It can happen to anyone, but it happened to me. How am I supposed to move on? How am I supposed to live? I feel so lost? I feel so hopeless. I want to just crawl into a ball on my sofa and disappear.