Sunday, January 1, 2012

Spreading his ashes- January 1, 2012

Nate and I decided to spend New Years Day to spread Silas's ashes in the ocean at North Beach in Pt. Reyes.  We chose this beach because it is where we went when I was 40 weeks pregnant with him and have very fond memories of that day.  On that day, Nate thought up a song and laid on my lap and sang it to him.  He collected beautiful quartz crystal from the beach that we still have with us, we saw a coyote, and this beach is just beautiful, serene, and quiet.  We spent that day dreaming of bringing him back once he was born.

Unfortunately, that didn't happen to be the case, but today we did bring him back.  We chose today, the beginning of the New Year to represent letting go and releasing his physical being and some of our sorrow and grief and focus now on connecting with his spirit, which is always with us, and the joy of having had him in our life and knowing he will always remain in our heart.  Today, ended up being his memorial.  I don't think we intended it to feel that way, but it became that and it was beautiful.  It was just Nate and I.  We brought his cremations, flowers, paper to write him letters, and a poem to read.  It was absolutely beautiful at the beach, clear sunny skies, beautiful blue ocean with big waves.  We walked a ways out on the beach and found a place close to where we sat last time we were there.  We placed Silas's urn and flowers in the sand and wrote him messages, talked to him, watched the waves, and cried together.  We then shared our messages with each other and placed them in the urn with some petals from the flowers, a quartz crystal from the beach, and some sand.  We walked down to the water, I read a poem and Nate threw the urn, which opened in mid-air, into the ocean.  It was an incredibly hard thing to do, to let that little tangible bit of him go, but it also felt so right. 

I have been stressing for many months about planning a memorial and who we would invite and needing it to be perfect.  But, today happened naturally, organically and it couldn't have unfolded any better.  It was perfect and beautiful.  I am so glad that it was just Nate and I and we honored our son so sweetly by releasing his ashes into the ocean, the place we hold so close to our heart just as we hold him, our son, so close to our heart.  We spent the whole pregnancy with him at the beach every weekend and dreaming of him falling in love with the ocean just as we had so many years ago and releasing him into the ocean today was perfect.  We brought home a piece of wood Nate found that we sat on while we wrote our messages and we will turn it into a bench for our backyard and we collected another piece of quartz crystal that will be set next to the one we collected the last time we went.  We left the beach feeling a great sense of peace.

Nate and I then went to our favorite, special restaurant in Pt. Reyes and had a excellent lunch outside in the sun.  It has been a wonderful (hard, sad) beautiful day.
Here are a few pictures of our memorial.

This piece of board Nate found on the beach and we have brought it home to make a bench out of for our backyard.

Here is the poem that I read:

While Waiting For Thee by Sharon A. Bryington

Don't weep at my grave
For I am not there,
I've a date with a butterfly
To dance on the air.
If I'm missed, find a flower,
I'll be there too,
Sniffing it's fragrance
Right next to you.

Don't be sad
When you remember me,
For I'm singing in the sunshine,
Wild and free,
Flirting with the lightning,
Playing tag with the wind,
Chasing the thunder
Time and again,
Soaring with the eagle,
Swimming in the sea,
Enjoying all of nature
While I'm waiting for thee.


  1. wow Shaina. that was truly amazing. the photos are priceless. i'm so glad that you found something that felt just perfect for you. lots of love

  2. This is beautiful. I think you are incredibly brave to have done this. I'm so happy you feel a sense of peace and calm. Many hugs.

  3. I found your blog on faces of loss, faces of hope.

    What a special post this is. And on new year's day. Silas is such a unique and beautiful name. I like his NILMDTS picture in the right toolbar. I will always be sad the hospital where I delivered never gave me the option to have them come.

    I'd love to have you follow along on my blog as well;

  4. Shaina and Nate you are two of the strongest people that I know. This is one of the most beautiful things that I have ever read. Silas is so very lucky to have a mom and a dad who love him so much.