Well, I have been swirling in the aftermath of New Year's Day when we spread Silas's ashes in the ocean. It is crazy how the grief can creep up and bowl you over so intensely. I had to leave work on Monday and I spent all night last night in tears. I even cancelled my birthday party for Friday because the thought of "pretending happy" is just too much for me. I still think what we did on Sunday and how we did it was perfect, but I hate that we had to do it at all. I hate that my son is not here. I keep hearing "how was your New Years?" and it is such a stab in the chest. I'm not about to tell people I spent it letting go of my babies cremations and so they assume I did the party/hangover weekend thing. So wrong. It's been nine months and sometimes the pain hurts like it did 6 months ago.
Plus, I am now eight months pregnant and finally hit the point where I feel really done being pregnant. I have been pregnant for a year and a half straight and I am tired. I am tired of all the usual pregnancy ailments and I just want my little girl here. I want it to be February already and to know that she is alive and safe in this world. I think part of what has hit me so hard is the fear that I might lose her too and I can't even bear the thought. I won't survive another loss. I hate that even have to think that way. I hate that I can't be joyful and excited and confident that this pregnancy is going to end in a happy, healthy, alive baby. I hate that I can't enjoy my birthday or the holidays. I hate that this little girl is a result of the death of my little boy. I want both my babies. I hate that I feel so alone in this and that no one in my IRL can truly understand because they haven't experienced it. I want to be "normal" again. I want my life back a year ago. I want my son! And, I want my daughter here safe and alive in my arms. I want assurance that she will be okay and I won't have to suffer another loss now or in the future. I want to know that she will grow up and grow old, out live me.
uuugghhhh…why does life have to be so hard?