Monday, July 4, 2011

Sometimes..

I truly hate my life.  I hate that my son isn't here.  I hate that I can't enjoy the sames things that I enjoyed just a year ago: the fair, 4th of July parades, people.  Today, my husband is in the Novato parade.  I initially wanted to go and see him in it.  Last year, I had so much fun, but this year I know I am going to be surrounded by new moms and little babies.  We went to the fair on Saturday and I was totally unprepared for all the babies.  They were everywhere (of course if was the fair).  I hate that everywhere I turn I am reminded that I have lost the most precious thing I ever had (just briefly had).  My son should be almost four months old.  I should have brought him to the fair with me and showed him all the animals and had him listen to the reggae show, mommy's favorite type of music.  I should be putting little ear muffs on him tonight and bringing him to the fireworks show.  I should have my son. But, I don't.  Why?  Why don't I get my son?  It's not fair.  I am SO sick of everyone else getting to take home their precious little babies, of course I would never want it to be otherwise, but I want my baby too.  I love him so much and it hurts so bad!!!!  My coworker is going on maternity leave at the end of this week and I keep hearing people ooh and aah over her and her little one that will be here soon and then almost in the same breath come over to me and talk to me about some stupid thing as if my heart hadn't just been crushed by having to hear their interaction about her baby. 

Life just sucks right now....

7 comments:

  1. I don't have anything very heartening to say to this, I don't think there really is anything. But if it helps at all, I am so angry too. It's so wrong that this happened to you and your family, in the deepest felt sense, and that not only did it happen, but that reminders have to keep slapping you everywhere you go. I can't even imagine how it is for you to watch Misty basking her beautiful almost-motherhood glow, just as you did, but knowing she'll be rewarded with her healthy baby. Of course you want that for her, but the blaring "have vs. have not" is so painful, and I'm so aware of it, and I'm so sorry :(

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  2. I can totally relate. I have had to avoid a lot of similar activities because I'm just not ready to be around so many babies. When we went to Maui in January, there were babies on every side of me on the plane, and I just about lost my mind. We're sitting here right now trying to figure out an appropriate activity for today that could possibly include swimming but might keep us away from an onslaught of babies...I don't think we're going to find it.

    Sending lots of love.

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  3. Thinking of you. These early months are just brutal. You're so exposed, everything is so fresh and raw.
    xo

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  4. It is so very unfair. And the anger is oh so very real. Wishing Silas with you doing all of those things. Much love and strength to you~

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  5. It really isn't fair that we can no longer enjoy the holidays like we used to. Instead we almost have to hide from them and the happy people with their babies that have no clue what it is like to be in our shoes.
    Thinking of you and Silas...

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  6. Your strength and honesty is admirable. Lots of Love, Britt.

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  7. These things can be such triggers. My sisterinlaw is going to pop any day now, and I do not intend to be anywhere near that delivery room. I can't take it. I was robbed of that happy delivery experience, and all the photos of me in the hospital my eyes are all puffy from sobbing for hours on end. I don't know if this helps or hurts, but I know that when I hit the point where you're at (time-wise), my grief really seemed to intensify. The reality of it all started sinking in. This is grief, honey. Please don't lose hope in that someday it won't be so dark and heavy on your heart. xoxoxo

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