Wednesday, November 2, 2011


Yesterday a fifteen year old boy in my residential treatment center had a healthy son.  I have been dealing with this planned pregnancy between him and his sixteen year old girlfriend since he entered our program in May.  Now, I am faced with the fruition of this pregnancy in a healthy baby boy to a drug addicted, manipulative, selfish boy child and his equally immature and emotionally abusive girlfriend.  I have found in dealing with this since May, I have cultivated an unhealthy dislike for this boy.  I have been faced with the evil side of myself, in a way I never have before.  Yesterday, after hearing that his girlfriend had given birth to their son, I became so angry and sad (which I emotionally vomited all of my evil thoughts onto my coworker) that these two people have their son and I don’t.  How do I make sense of that? 

With a restless night of sleep and much contemplation, I realized that I don’t really hate this kid, I hate the situation.  I hate that these two irresponsible, unfit parents get their son when my son was taken away from me.  Even eight months down the line, I have such a hard time trying to make sense of that in my head.  People say, “things happen for a reason”, but how do they explain this?  There is no explanation.  I just have to sit with the reality that things don’t make sense, these people aren’t more deserving of a child than me, but they got their child and I didn’t. 

I hate that I am constantly faced with this reality; my son is dead and other peoples aren’t.  When will the “why me’s?” go away?  Will I ever be able to accept that this is forever my reality?  When will I be able to be happy for others good fortune and healthy babies without being more sad about my loss and my crappy reality? 

Some people assume that now that I am pregnant again (51/2 months) that things are “better”.  Not perfect obviously, but as it was said to me, “I assumed that you would be able to find joy in things again”.  At first, I thought that this statement was an unfair judgment that I have no joy, but when I really think about it is kind of true.  I can laugh, I can be lighthearted, I can be hopeful for this baby, but am I truly joyful?  I don’t think so.  This baby doesn’t take away my deep despair and sadness about losing my son.  I hope maybe, if I am lucky enough to birth to an alive, healthy baby in February, that I will find some joy again in my life.  But, there will always be a hole.  My family will never be complete.  And, I don’t know if I will ever be able to get rid of the envy I have of others who do not know my reality.


  1. I can relate to so much of what you said here. (((hugs)))

  2. Oh the envy, completely get it. It makes me so mad to see people like those 2 children that can have a healthy living baby who could care less and we sit here struggling through babyloss and want nothing more than to have a living healthy baby. Grrr!

  3. yeh, the wanting to make sense of the living child of people who shouldn't be parents, versus deserving parent losing their baby.... It's so hard to justify or make sense of.

    I used to think, before becoming pregnant again myself, that being pregnant = grieving with hope. I'm not so sure anymore. I seem to have lost confidence in my body's ability to carry and nurture a baby until May, and I hate that. I'm hopeful, but with reservations, which again, I hate.

    The incomplete family is one of the things I fear the most moving forward.

  4. Just wanted to let you know I was here, and I read, and I am with you on the anger and not being able to move forward with many aspects of loss. Much love. ~Lindsay

  5. I wish the "whys" and "what ifs" would go away as well. They drive me crazy. Yes, our reality sucks so bad. It definitely is not FAIR!
    Thinking of you.

  6. Thank you for writing this. Our first child was stillborn about two weeks ago, and this is one of the major things I am struggling with -- the reality that there are loads of people who shouldn't be parents who have healthy babies...that there are people who abort their healthy babies...that there are parents who don't WANT to be parents. It seems so unfair that these people all have children, and yet our child, who we deeply loved and desperately wanted, is dead. I'm glad that I'm not alone in this struggle, although I would never wish it on anyone.

  7. Beth, I am so sorry to hear about your loss and you are so fresh in this really sucky journey. I hope that through this blog and others that you can find some support and comfort know that you are not alone. I would be happy to talk to you more if you want, just let me know.