Friday, July 8, 2011
4 months
Today my precious little boy would have been four months old and I should be celebrating. Instead I am wallowing in self-pity and sadness because my coworker is giving birth as we speak. She will birth a healthy baby girl 4 months to the day that my precious son died. I should be more happy for her and I am happy, but mostly I am just sad and angry for me. It seems like everyone gets to take home healthy, happy babies, but me. Why me? Why didn't I get to take home my son? What sort of sick joke or cruel punishment is this? I don't deserve this. I deserve my son. I would have been a good mom. I loved him so much. And, still I lost him only minutes before he was in my arms. It's not fair. It's just not fair. I know we blm's say that all the time, but it is the truth. It's not fair, it doesn't make sense, there is no reason. It can happen to anyone, but it happened to me. How am I supposed to move on? How am I supposed to live? I feel so lost? I feel so hopeless. I want to just crawl into a ball on my sofa and disappear.
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It's NOT fair. I say that to myself a lot when I'm sad. There is nothing that can make it fair or better. Sorry you are having a bad night.
ReplyDeleteShaina, I'm so sorry. You are a great mom, and you should have your baby with you. Just keep getting up and trying. I will pray pray pray that God sends you blessings. XO
ReplyDeleteDon't worry yourself too much about how you "should" be happier for your co-worker. It is ok to feel how you do. It is not fair at all that you didn't get to bring your baby home with you. I'm so sorry:(
ReplyDeleteIt sucks when everyone around us is happy and keeps having babies while we sit here grieving the loss of our loved one. Isn't fair is right.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear your having such a bad night.
I know those feelings well and even though as you have found there are many of us out here, you still feel very alone. Sending love your way and wishing Silas were in your arms~
ReplyDeleteSometimes the universe has a way of aligning events in the worst way. I'm so sorry, and as everyone says here, your anger and hurt is justified. Just stamp out any of the guilt...there's no place for it in your difficult-enough days. I hope you take care of yourself this weekend and ask for anything you need. We're all just a text away :)
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, and I just ran across your blog. I hope it is not presumptuous, but I just wanted to say someone is thinking about you. I am so very sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think, our head might know something, but our hearts just don't comply. Please know that you have no reason to feel guilty. Your friend's birth must be bittersweet for you and that is totally fine.
You also have every right to feel every single other feeling that you feel. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I just profoundly wish you didn't have to feel them.
And I agree with the previous comment - you are a great mom. Even I, a complete stranger, can feel your love. Isn't that what makes a great mom?
This is about where I'm at except 7 months out. Just so LIVID at how unfair this all is. To get so freaking close and lose your sweet boy is total and utter BULL and you SHOULD be angry!!! I think we have to get comfy with the angry for a bit; I think it's here to stay. Just know I am here, and I am angry with you, and I would do just about anything for Silas to be in your arms and for Elias to be in mine. We are both so deserving of our sons, and it's just not right that we have to live out our entire lives without them here with us.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. Thinking of you and sweet baby Silas. Wishing so much this wasn't your reality.
ReplyDeletexo