A glimmer of hope

Wait, wait…what is this I see?  Could it be a small break in the clouds?  I think I have seen a glimpse of the hope I have been searching for.

Something has shifted over this holiday weekend.  For the first time in 8 ½ months, I have seen a glimpse of the person I once was.  I know that I will never be the same, but a spark of life came back into my soul over this weekend.  I don’t know why or how, but it did.  I am noticing it in the little things.  For example, for months I was dreading the holiday season and didn’t want to spend it with family because I was afraid it would be too painful of a reminder of the family member, my son, who is missing.  However, as Thanksgiving approached, I became eager to spend quality time with family.  I used to love entertaining and having parties at my house, and this was the first weekend that I felt joy in that again.  I was excited to set the house up, cook, make fun appetizers, take family pictures, play games, and just be with my family.  And, it was a sweet day.  At dinner, there were tears and many acknowledgements of Silas which felt so nice to hear from the mouths of my family. 

Another thing I noticed, is I started to wear make-up again.  I got all dressed up on Thanksgiving day, including make-up, but I have also been wearing make-up to go to work the last two days.  I had stopped caring about how I looked, but in these past few days, I have felt good and wanted to look good as well.

Before I became pregnant with Silas, I had been a vegetarian.  I stopped when I became pregnant because I was craving meat so much.  However, I have decided to go back to a mostly vegetarian diet (for health reasons) and last night I experimented with a new vegetarian dish.  I have never cooked with lentils before and I went to the store, bought some, and really enjoyed making a new, healthy, vegetarian meal.  I feel excited again to explore new recipes and cook with ingredients I have never used before.

It feels so good to be enjoying life again.  I don’t know how long it will last (I know these things come in waves, and don't get me wrong, I am still grieving and tears are quick to come), but I want to be fully present and mindful of this positive, hopeful, alive place I am in right now.

Speaking of being mindful, I have recently become very interested in studying Buddhism again and practicing meditation.  I thank Silas for awakening the more spiritual side of myself and I think I have finally found something that makes sense to me.  I have been doing my best to meditate almost every day for at least 15 minutes.  I will slowly increase my time as my practice becomes more integrated and easier.  On Sunday, I was meditating (which I do in the kids room) and out of nowhere, I had an overwhelming feeling that Silas was there with me.  My lips even began to tingle as if he was giving me a little kiss.  I then had this powerful urge to cradle my arms.  So, I did.  I cradled my arms and closed my eyes and sat with my son’s spirit.  It was the most amazing experience.  It is the first time in 8 ½ months that I felt like he came to me.  And, I believe it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t begun my meditation practice and convinced myself to do it in that moment even though I was tired and really wanted to go to bed.

I am just feeling so grateful for my life and the people who are in it.  I never thought I would feel this way again.  But I am, and I want to cherish this feeling while it is here.  I truly believe good things are coming, including and most especially my sweet little girl who is due to arrive in February.

Envy

Yesterday a fifteen year old boy in my residential treatment center had a healthy son.  I have been dealing with this planned pregnancy between him and his sixteen year old girlfriend since he entered our program in May.  Now, I am faced with the fruition of this pregnancy in a healthy baby boy to a drug addicted, manipulative, selfish boy child and his equally immature and emotionally abusive girlfriend.  I have found in dealing with this since May, I have cultivated an unhealthy dislike for this boy.  I have been faced with the evil side of myself, in a way I never have before.  Yesterday, after hearing that his girlfriend had given birth to their son, I became so angry and sad (which I emotionally vomited all of my evil thoughts onto my coworker) that these two people have their son and I don’t.  How do I make sense of that? 

With a restless night of sleep and much contemplation, I realized that I don’t really hate this kid, I hate the situation.  I hate that these two irresponsible, unfit parents get their son when my son was taken away from me.  Even eight months down the line, I have such a hard time trying to make sense of that in my head.  People say, “things happen for a reason”, but how do they explain this?  There is no explanation.  I just have to sit with the reality that things don’t make sense, these people aren’t more deserving of a child than me, but they got their child and I didn’t. 

I hate that I am constantly faced with this reality; my son is dead and other peoples aren’t.  When will the “why me’s?” go away?  Will I ever be able to accept that this is forever my reality?  When will I be able to be happy for others good fortune and healthy babies without being more sad about my loss and my crappy reality? 

Some people assume that now that I am pregnant again (51/2 months) that things are “better”.  Not perfect obviously, but as it was said to me, “I assumed that you would be able to find joy in things again”.  At first, I thought that this statement was an unfair judgment that I have no joy, but when I really think about it is kind of true.  I can laugh, I can be lighthearted, I can be hopeful for this baby, but am I truly joyful?  I don’t think so.  This baby doesn’t take away my deep despair and sadness about losing my son.  I hope maybe, if I am lucky enough to birth to an alive, healthy baby in February, that I will find some joy again in my life.  But, there will always be a hole.  My family will never be complete.  And, I don’t know if I will ever be able to get rid of the envy I have of others who do not know my reality.